Thanks to My Loyal Spam Commenters

Anybody who owns a website will tell you that receiving comments on your blog posts and pages is the most rewarding part of the whole experience. That’s why I’m grateful for all the spam commenters I have across the world. They truly make my day. I thought I’d take this opportunity (April 1st) to share some of the lovely comments I’ve gotten and respond to them.

Nothing is more exciting than getting an email from WordPress about a new comment on your blog. Then you check the email and see that it was written by not a human, but a spambot, and your hope is crushed to a pulp like two of the characters from my last Dungeons and Dragons session. That’s why this blog post is for you, loyal spam commenters!

Sorry, Rangar and Sun-Die, but I’d been looking forward to that trap for ages. 133 damage and no regrets.

Mr Read and Russian Spam Commenters

Our first comment is from история россии загладин 11 класс читать, which Google translates as: History of Russia Zagladin 11 Grade Read. It’s nice to see that my content is getting all the way to Russia. Perhaps I should contact some literary agents there. It’s possible that Mr Read is well known there, so I’ll mention that he’s a regular reader of my blog.

Mr Read says: Hey! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My weblog looks weird when viewing from my iphone4. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to fix this issue. If you have any recommendations, please share. Many thanks!| а

Great question, Mr Read. I’m sorry to hear that your website is causing you issues. Have you tried getting a more recent phone than the one I had when I was 16? That might be a good start. Otherwise, you could try the Astra theme which works really well for me. You shouldn’t need a plugin. Have you tried using a friend’s phone to see if there’s a difference? Thanks for writing in, please do continue to comment. I appreciate the high standard of English (except for the understandable slip up at the end) that is sure to continue with all my spam comments.

I assume Mr Read and his fellow spam commenters are part of a Soviet plot to take over the world. Apologies to any Russians among my small readership. Please make yourselves known and I will do my best to not make jokes at your country’s expense.

Kate From the Other Side of the Blogosphere

Next, we have comments from kate-blog.xyz, who is actually a loyal commenting bot of mine. They’ve made a good three comments altogether. I hope that it isn’t actually the Kate I work with or the one that just beta read my book, because that would be embarrassing.

Anyway, this morning at 2 am Kate said: Hello it’s me, I am also visiting this site on a regular basis, this website is in fact nice and the viewers are really sharing good thoughts.

It is true that you are visiting my website on a regular basis, since this is your third comment. A spambot has the most comments on my website. How depressing is that? Thank you for saying it is nice and… complimenting my viewers?

In the past, Kate has also said: Hello friends, how is all, and what you want to say concerning this post, in my view its really awesome for me.

Thanks, Kate. I’m well, but I can’t exactly speak for everyone else. How are you all, real readers and spam commenters? I’m glad you enjoyed my post about liking Harry Potter now. Please do continue to comment.

Finally, the post from Kate that started it all: I am really loving the theme/design of your blog. Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility issues? A couple of my blog readers have complained about my website not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Opera. Do you have any tips to help fix this problem?

My advice is that you shouldn’t worry about it, because nobody uses Explorer. Who cares what your website looks like in it? If commenters are complaining, they are probably also spambots.

I could claim that I accidentally typed ‘kite’ into my search bar instead of ‘Kate’, but that would be a lie. So I’ll just tell you that this was what came up when I searched for ‘spam commenters’ instead.

Bad Marketing Techniques by Lity

Lity commented on my post What It’s Like to Have Four Younger Brothers: I got a lot of useful tips about younger child from this article. Thank you very much! I have another article about younger child. Maybe you will be interested in it ^_^ Parenting – WiserParenting

Ah, shameless self-promotion. I work in marketing, so I know exactly what they’re doing. By posting this comment to my blog, they’re hoping that I will approve it and therefore have an outbound link from my website that goes to theirs, boosting their SEO scores. That’s basically my job, except we use websites that the business actually owns so nobody is getting bothered by it. And our content doesn’t suck.

This won’t have much impact on their website. I’ve removed the links, but ‘younger child’ both times also has the link to their website. Posting three links in such a short space is basically shooting yourself in the foot. Not only that, but each link is exactly the same, which is more like playing Russian Roulette with a bullet in every chamber.

Well, the joke is on Lity, because I wouldn’t approve a comment like this, which means their link will never be on my website (except that I posted it here because by having it on this page, this article has an outbound link which also boosts my SEO).

Comments like these are just as effective as boosting your SEO by jumping off a cliff.

A Comment From ‘Blog’

Apparently one of my spam commenters is simply called ‘blog’. Blog felt the need to comment on my Harry Potter post as well, which was very nice of them.

Blog says: magnificent put up, very informative. I wonder why the opposite experts of this sector don’t realize this. You must continue your writing. I am sure, you’ve a huge readers’ base already!

Firstly, what? Secondly, I didn’t realise there were experts in the sector of not hating Harry Potter. In fact, I didn’t even realise it was a sector. A sector of what, exactly? The Harry Potter fandom? And what have I realised about not hating Harry Potter that they haven’t? Why are they “opposite” experts?

Ah, wait I know what’s going on here. This bot must be American because it spelt ‘realise’ with a ‘z’. Silly Americans. That explains everything.

I couldn’t think of a picture to put here, so have a photo of a nice looking grilled cheese sandwich. Americans like cheese, yeah?

Spam Commenters With Redacted Names

Oh boy, I get a few of these. Spam comments from names that are wildly inappropriate and definitely won’t be repeated here. Not only would that probably kill me for SEO, but they’re also not something I’m comfortable sharing. I’ll just refer to them as Billy, Bobby, Babo and Franklin.

Billy said: I’ve learn several just right stuff here. Definitely price bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how a lot attempt you place to create any such fantastic informative web site.

Unfortunately, it seems that writing good is not one of the things you’ve learned here. I’d love to know what the heck price bookmarking is, if you ever come back on this site. I’m not even going to try with that last sentence, but I appreciate that you referred to my website as “fantastic informative”.

Bobby said: There is definately a lot to find out about this issue. I like all of the points you’ve made.

Thanks. I’m not really sure that my opinion on Harry Potter is an ‘issue’, but you’re entitled to your own view. Also, you spelt definitely wrong.

Babo said: I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a
nice blog like this one these days.

Thank you for your well-written comment, Babo. I neither paid for nor customised this theme myself, believe it or not. It’s the Astra theme, which is totally free. I’m glad you enjoy my writing. Likewise, it’s rare to see a nice comment like this one these days.

And finally, Franklin said: Hello, just wanted to say, I loved this post. It was funny. Keep on posting!

Much appreciated, Franklin.

Group photo of Billy, Bobby, Babo and Franklin.

You’ve Reached the End of This Blog Post. Congratulations.

I never know how to end these things. I guess to wrap up, I really should thank everybody who comments on this blog for real. It truly does make my day, because otherwise, I have no way of knowing if somebody read the whole thing. So thank you to everyone who has ever left a comment, you guys are the true heroes!

On another note, I’d like to briefly address the ongoing crisis across the world. This is a difficult time for all of us and things aren’t likely to get better soon. If anybody needs some support, just know that I’m here. There’s a contact form on this website and I’m always happy to chat. Even if you don’t know me in real life, please reach out! The more we all stick together, the easier it will be to get past COVID-19. Stay safe, everyone!


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6 thoughts on “Thanks to My Loyal Spam Commenters”

  1. Haha. My first thought was that you need a spam blocker for your site. (I use Akismet.) My second thought was that you shouldn’t get one because then you’ll stop getting spam and you won’t be able to write funny posts like this.

    1. The Semi Columnist

      This post alone has had four of them, hahaha. Akismet. I’ll look into that one, thanks. It is tempting to keep them, though.

      Honestly, at this point, I just assume that 95% of my traffic is bots.

  2. This made me laugh!

    I was researching why I get so many Russian spam comments on my blog posts when I came across your blog. How relatable 🙂

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